Category Archives: motivation

I Love My Clot

So I’ve been a little busy lately focusing on my breathing. No. I’m not doing yoga. I had a pulmonary embolism a couple of weeks ago and it’s been a real eye opener. This isn’t my first foray into the world of clots. I had a TIA (self resolving stroke) about 3 weeks after I had my youngest child. That was 8 years ago. So, I assumed it was just a weird pregnancy thing and after a billion blood tests my doctors agreed.

Me two weeks after the PE. I am so grateful for the opportunity to continue my life!

Before I go any further: if you are in hospital right now and desperately looking for information; calm down, you are OK. I know you are scared, I was out of my mind with fears coming from 50 different directions, but once you are stabilized and getting blood thinners your chance of dying from your clot goes down drastically. (I wished all posts I read while I was in the hospital started with that fact! Usually, I was several pages into information about clots, before people would share that.)

Can you get more clots? Yes. Can you die from them? Just like my TIA I am at a higher risk from dying from a clot in the next 3 years. I don’t want to paint a rosy picture for you and say you get one and you are done. That you will go back to life with no risks, no effects and you don’t have to worry:

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It makes a big difference in WHY you got a PE in the first place. Being immobile is something we can usually work on. Stopping supplemental hormones? Yeah, I can definitely change that. Get my leg veins worked on? I can only seal off so many bad veins. Had surgery caused it: I would be aware of that as a risk factor. But inherited clotting disorders? The possibility that the strep infection I had influenced my DVT? Yeah, you really need an expert (no matter what we think caused our clots), that you trust and are comfortable with, to help you along this path. This is a long haul issue, not a get it and forget it disease.

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I’ve taken a lot of photographs over the years for this blog. It is a strong reminder to appreciate everything. These pictures are of moments I don’t get back but have the opportunity to enjoy again. My new life will be full of those once in a lifetime, gentle and profound moments, too. If you have had a PE diagnosis: you are already a survivor!

I don’t know if you’ve had a big health scare, but I think it’s very human to go into denial about it. Like: for a decade! I’m serious. I even contemplated another pregnancy. I lived in lala land, and for a long time that worked for me. I think it’s the same nagging voice that used to tell me I needed to quit smoking (which I did about 15 years ago) as I lit my next cigarette. It was the “one day I’ll deal with this” voice. This voice of urgency, accompanied by ritualistic denial and procrastination, also appeared 16 or so years ago when I found out I had inherited the bad leg veins that run in my family. I was told they “weren’t that bad” but they would be covered if I wanted them closed. I put it off. I got married, I had babies, I was a completely focused and dedicated mom. But I put it off too long.

It’s human to deny what you are terrified of. But that doesn’t really help you, if you are really needing a lifestyle change (or in my case vein surgery and to stop my hormones!)

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A couple of months ago I dragged myself into the doctor and told him I was peri-menopausal and miserable. (I am sorry to let you younger gals in on this, but it is just as bad as puberty. Mainly: Hell.)

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I got to visit Hawaii last year. Such wonderful memories!

He had the answer: take estrogen. You’ll feel like your old self! And I did.

I took the estrogen. I felt awesome! In fact I took the estrogen pills after I was prescribed the cream (which I guess is less likely to get into your blood and try and kill you.) I figured I was only taking half of the dose and I had a half of a bottle left so I’d finish it up and then start the cream. (I’m good about being frugal and it made sense at the time.)

I don’t know if you are vain like this: but I had my hair growing back in (thicker than in high school), my skin wasn’t crepey looking, I was losing weight and I had energy. It was really fairly miraculous. I loved my estrogen pills! Plus, all the annoying girl stuff that was happening: constant pain, unusual “times of the month” and the super short fuse I’d developed was gone.

I find these little time capsules, called photographs, amazing. All of these small moments become amplified as I look backwards. What new and wonderful things would I have missed, had this blood clot been fatal?

This is the river that runs through Vail Village in Colorado. My family is from here. I’m so grateful that I can still go back and see the beauty with my own eyes!

Yes. My doctor mentioned blood clots. But either I’m super stupid or he didn’t explain exactly how common blood clots are (and therefore your chance of sudden death) and that they are not only a serious but… common… issue. I have always heard about the clot issue. I had been shrugging it off since I was old enough for “the pill”, and I don’t think I’m alone in that.

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My pulmonary embolism started in my leg. My foot (out of the blue) became really, really sore. I’m a mom. I always put myself last. This wasn’t any different. But by the third day my entire leg was sore. I couldn’t relax the muscles in my foot or leg. It was like having a charlie horse but nothing would make the muscles release. I couldn’t put weight on my leg to walk. I had my husband drop me off at the ER. I have some medication that might cause muscle issues, so I was focused on that.

As far as history, my family on my dad’s side, including my younger brother, have had to have their leg veins closed. My vein problem is hereditary but… mine never really bothered me much. Sure, my legs swell up on long flights and long car rides, but then they go back down. I have had compression stockings, but those are so incredibly difficult to get on and off that I rarely wear them. I think it was a combination of risks that added up to my clot.

It took them two hours at the ER to even see me. I’m 45 years old. I don’t fit the profile for blood clots. They did an ultrasound on my leg and found nothing. But: while they were pushing around on my leg it stopped hurting. My d-dimer test was positive (this is a test that indicates that there is a possibility of a clot). But there were a few things that could cause that other than a clot.

At this point I’ve been at the hospital for several hours. I’m tired. I am not getting any answers and my leg is finally relaxing. I was ready to go home. The ER doctor was getting ready to discharge me. He came in, and we were discussing my release, when he asked me whether I’d had chest pain recently… “Why yes, yes I have.”

(This is the other reason I haven’t been keeping up with my blog!) I am so incredibly stressed out! Three years ago my husband lost his job. Then after a year he got it back, only to work out of state for a year and a half. I raised our two children, on my own, during that time. Then, suddenly last summer he lost his job AGAIN! Eight months before his retirement! It’s been Hell. But when I get stressed I get angina (chest pain) and I’ve learned to ignore it. (Don’t worry his job is stabilizing again and he’s about to finish his 8 months.)

Did I have chest pain? Yes. Is that unusual? No. But it was enough to have him delay releasing me and to send me in for a CAT scan. And THAT was when they found the clot in my lungs.

As far as my symptoms: I had very mild chest pain in my right lung. The pain in my leg was 100 times worse but my leg was only slightly swollen. My oxygen level was at 100 percent. I was not having trouble breathing. My pulse rate was high (115 or so) but it’s always high. Now I had noticed, for about a week, that my lips looked a bit blue. I was sick with strep throat at that time so I thought it was just from being sick or maybe the new lip balm I was using. I will never overlook that again!

Me as soccer mom! I didn’t think I could make it through a year and a half of single parenting, but I did and we still made time for soccer!

The strep is a constant problem with my kids in elementary school. We’d all been on antibiotics. I was on my third set of antibiotics. The strep my kids bring home is no joke. But that was part of why I got the pulmonary embolism. I had been sick for almost 3 months. I was laying down a lot. I had helped my son in from the trampoline the day before the leg pain started. He’d hurt his ankle and I was supporting a lot of his weight to get him into the house.

All of these little things apparently caused the perfect storm in my body. Just simple little things that led up to a serious problem. It made me extremely aware that just a few things can bind together and create chaos. I need to be very cognizant now of everything when I get ill.

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Halloween 2017. I had a blast decorating our home and yard! I was a jester (or maybe a “not so evil” clown…if those do in fact exist.)

Had this doctor sent me home, I would have gone home, the clot would have grown (which is apparently the tendency of clots) and I would have died. I would not have come back to the hospital until it was probably too late.

God be praised that that scenario did not happen!

If just one question had not been asked…wow, I wouldn’t be here.

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My kids are young. I am not ready to say goodbye! It’s really hard for me to wrap my head around what could have happened: Me in a box in the ground and my family completely adrift in mourning.

I was in the hospital for a couple of days. I was getting a blood thinner shot in my stomach every 12 hours (good Lord those hurt!) But, it honestly was a miracle! It also was a miracle that one of my nurses (who looked my age or younger) had also had a PE. It was so helpful to talk to her. She told me everyone I talk to will tell me how “so and so” that they know died from a PE. She told me to tune them out, and so I have. One out of every three people who get a PE don’t survive. That is a horrible statistic.

I will say it again: I am a survivor! This lady’s blog: https://bloodclotrecovery.net/how-long-does-it-take-to-recover-from-a-pe/ helped a lot when I was first diagnosed. She has endless comments and they really helped me realize that I am not alone! There are comments that start in 2013 and go right up to today. It is so wonderful to stop the free-fall through your fears and grab a cyber-based hand to comfort you. I hope my story will help you in this way, too.

Back before I got the CAT scan though, I was talking to the doctor: “Yeah, but wouldn’t I know if I had a clot in my lungs?!”

Apparently not. And I’m not some weird statistic. Most pulmonary embolisms either kill you straight out, when they hit your lungs or cause mild symptoms which get worse as the clot grows. I’ve read on some forums that the symptoms (like shortness of breath, fatigue and chest pain) of the pulmonary embolism can take a couple of years (after it happens) to get back to normal.

BTW most of these are selfies. I’m the only person in my family other than my MIL who takes photos. If I wanted a photo, that I was included in, in the last 12 years of my life it’s had to be a selfie. “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my closeup does not happen in mom-ville.

Hospital time is super boring and I read a lot about PE’s, especially since I thought everyone who had them died. If you have had a PE and you are feeling scared and alone look up PE forums. You will find thousands of entries with people of all ages and there are updated new posts almost daily. They were so helpful in the early days of my diagnosis.

So what have I learned in the last three weeks?

1.) There really are miracles and I’m one of them. If you have had a PE: YOU ARE A MIRACLE TOO!

2.) Pulmonary embolism is not a death sentence if it’s caught early and you do not have complicating risk factors. Here is a pretty thorough site that can help: http://www.clotspot.com/pulmonary-embolism-risk-factors-and-prevention.html

3.) This isn’t just going away, and I’m not all better, but I am slowly improving. Some days suck. Some days are almost normal. I am grateful for both. I am alive, and that’s a pretty awesome gift to be granted.

4.) I can’t take estrogen. DUH! And when your doctor mentions clots associated with medicine, your mental answer should not be: “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.”

5.) I am tired. I get winded easily. It’s bad enough that just standing and trying to do something else (like: making lunches for my kids, showering, talking) is really hard and I need to rest. Sometimes I have to stop before I can get it finished. (There’s no way I could hold a job right now and I’m so grateful my husband is home to help with the kids!) Sometimes: a gift is a horrible occurrence (like my husband losing his job for 6 months) that turns out to be perfect in its timing for something else! Having him home is so huge. I would have put off the ER visit if he hadn’t been here (which means I probably wouldn’t be here!)

6.) Having a pulmonary embolism puts you at a higher risk for another, but that doesn’t happen very often, especially if you stay on blood thinners. However, you should count yourself lucky if you get to the end of the time you are prescribed thinners and get to discontinue them. Some people won’t ever come off of them, but don’t freak out if your need for them ends. It’s a good thing if you don’t need them anymore!

7.) They don’t give you clot busters, or do surgery, unless you are in dire shape. You take blood thinners to prevent the clot from growing and your body works on the clot on its own. Once you start the thinners your clot will not get worse and you are probably NOT going to die, so dial down the anxiety if you can. It doesn’t help. Sometimes the clot never leaves and turns into scar tissue. Your body will reroute around the clot if it can (or if it needs to.) But yes, the clot causes damage, permanent or not: you need to watch for things like infections and pneumonia.

8.) I can’t do anything that puts me at risk for an injury. The blood thinners are not reversible and if I get badly cut… or fall off a ladder and smash my head… or go sky diving and slam into a tree: I’m going to bleed to death. And the ball park for continued blood thinners so far is 6 months.

9.) I technically (according to the pamphlet for the thinner I am on Xarelto… and from trying to find out on forums) could have my weekly glass of wine with a movie, but my body processes the blood thinners through my liver (where it processes alcohol) and its risky. I’m voting no on that, unfortunately. And then there are things that you have no choice to say yes or no on: aspirin or Ibuprofen, Pepto Bismol… there’s a lot of stuff that can increase your chances of internal bleeding that are on the “no” list that you just don’t get a choice on. Look up your blood thinner and get acquainted with the “no” list for your particular drug. Also, set your alarms for your medication. You cannot screw up your blood thinner timing. It’s important to take it EXACTLY as prescribed!

10.) I have a follow up with a hematologist. Don’t freak out if they send you to a cancer clinic. It’s a dual specialty.

11.) Keep MOVING!!! Your single best bet that you can do to not only help your recovery but decrease your chance of another clot is to get up and move every 2 hours. If you are on a flight: get up and walk the isles. Tell your flight attendant you’ve had a PE. They will support you in stretching frequently! If it’s a long car trip: get out of the car and walk around every two hours and stretch your legs in the car as you travel. As far as altitude changes: check with your specialist. My family lives in the mountains in Colorado. I am not sure I can visit, especially since I get altitude related edema and I already struggle to breath up there. That will definitely be a call for my doctor to make.

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My life isn’t back to normal, but I’m also not asleep all day (like I was in the first week and a half.) I’m progressing slowly. Also: (YAY!) my husband got fantastic news about his job today (and we have family who can help me while I recover.)

So. I’m grateful. I love that this gave me the opportunity to really appraise my life and where I am going. I have had to slow down considerably, so I am doing fun, low energy things with my kids that I usually don’t make time for.

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Every breath I draw is yet another gift!

Am I freaked out? Oh yeah. Still! But I tell you what, as long as you live through your challenges: you have got to love the new perspective it gives you. So, I love my clot. I love it because I was going to have it whether I decided to love it or not. If that is the case I will look at it with gratitude. Gratitude because if I hadn’t had it: I wouldn’t be continually amazed at every little thing I get to share with my kids and my husband. Gratitude because the odds are not great for surviving this, and I did. So thank you clot for the wake up call. I am grateful for the new perspective… and thank God I didn’t die!

If you have a story you’d like to share about a PE, DVT or a stroke, please share below. It helped me so much to read about other men and women who have been through the exact same thing. We’re strong ladies (and gentlemen!) So much stronger than we realize!

Efficient Summer Watering In A Raised Bed

One of the draws of raised beds (especially if you have heavy native clay soil) is the the great drainage it provides. However, the drainage in a raised bed can also become an issue in high summer heat. This is a great example of how some things are extremely helpful in one season (like drainage during wet springs) but can become a problem in others (low water retention in dry, hot summers). Down here in South Texas our summers are both hot and dry, with weeks above 100 degrees and little to no rainfall. Preparing for drought is part of running a cost effective garden. I don’t want to have to add any extra money into growing home produce.

If you grow your own veggies you are probably very aware of the cheap seasonal produce at the grocer that requires no work on your part. Sometimes it makes your struggles and efforts seem larger than life…but there is nothing like home ripened vegetables and you are in total control of what chemicals have been added to your food. Despite the labor and costs: there are more reasons to grow your own food than there are reasons to skip doing it!

Since drought is a big issue down here: this is my solution to our dry, hot summers.

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Here is our Hugelkultur inspired raised bed. In case you missed out on how we built it you can find my posts on the two beds we have built here: Hugelkutur, Keyhole Gardens: Bridging Ideas and here: Mother’s Day Raised Hugelkultur Bed.

I’m starting out with a drought resistant bed. This bed is a permanent addition to the garden. It will take very little work to maintain, requires no tilling and has a sponge-like water retentive layer within it. We have water restrictions right now and have started out the year at the lowest our aquifer has ever been in the spring. Saving water is vital to raising cost effective vegetables and remaining responsible users of our city’s water supply. My corn is already silking here in the last weeks of May. Our main growing season is nearing it’s end. It will soon be followed by intense heat and a dry summer. Summer is our down time. It is hard to get anything to survive the heat. I will be planting and maintaining heat tolerant and drought resistant vegetables in this bed like: okra, peppers, beans and melons.

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I’m a huge fan of soaker hoses. This is how I chose to water my summer beds. As you can see I put painter’s tape to mark where the lines run. Water follows the path of least resistance, which in this case is straight down. You will want to plant your seedlings along the lines to ensure that they receive enough water while they are small and vulnerable.

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Turn your water on, and time how long it takes to wet the bed with full water pressure. This is an important step so that you can run your hose underneath the mulch layer. Time it before you cover it and you will not have to guess how long to run the water.

Marking where your lines run is also a good idea. Painters tape is fast and easy to use…plus I already had some! The next phase in creating a water wise bed is to create a layer that will stop evaporation. Remember to wet as you go. Covering a dry bed will only make watering it more difficult.

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I’m getting the bed wet before I add a weed/evaporation barrier. Adding water now will mean you add less later. To make a hugelkutur bed work, it needs to be wet at it’s core. Keeping the bed hydrated now will ensure that you will need less water when high heat and dry summers roll around.

Most places in the US have less heat and wetter summers that we do down here. This bed would still ensure that you will need to use much less water. Down here, I wouldn’t be able to effectively grow in the summer without using something like this. No matter your weather: this is an extremely low maintenance option that any gardener can use. Putting the original effort in the beginning (by building a hugelkultur type bed) will make the years you use the bed almost maintenance free and offer your plants a deep, near ideal growing medium.

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This is why I take the local paper! Open your news papers and take out all of the shiny sheets and throw them in the recycling. Take the rest of your paper and open them up across your bed. Thick is better than thin in this case and you should aim for 5 to 10 layers of paper to go over the bed. WET AS YOU GO! The paper will blow away if you don’t! You can also use straw or cardboard in this layer. Use whatever you have or can get cheaply.

You need to be prepared with what you will be putting over the newspaper. You need a thick layer of mulch and/or landscape fabric. I always live in high wind, dry areas. I can’t use mulch that will easily blow around like straw would. I need something heavy so I choose wood mulch.

Before you decide to create a water barrier like this: you need to realize that water retention works both ways. It will keep water within the bed that you add with the soaker hose but it will also keep water out if you try and water from above the newspaper. You will need to be committed to using the soaker hose, but you will use much less water than if you are watering from above with no newspaper mulch layer. I also have a hose splitter and a water timer that I use.  There are quick release nozzles for use with soaker hoses as well. This would make the process quick if you have multiple hoses you are attaching to. The combination of all of my choices: water timers, mulch layers, hugelkulture raised bed and soaker hoses; makes for near maintenance-free gardening. I ensure my success by using these features. I can even go out of town and not worry about the garden!

I choose to use cheap landscape fabric as a layer in between the mulch and the newspaper for a couple of reasons:

1. If the mulch shifts, the bed is still completely sealed.

2. I can rake off the wood mulch I put over the top every year and reuse or compost it. The landscape fabric makes this process easy. I don’t mix wood mulch into the upper layers of soil. Decomposing wood draws nitrogen away from plants and large wood chips (the kind that make it through our high winds) would dehydrate the bed if used in the upper layers of soil.

I am all about putting effort in early (when I have the motivation and nice weather) so I can reap the rewards later (when it’s too hot to do much outside!)

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Now you can see why I marked where the lines were!

The next thing you do is use a knife or scissors to carefully cut holes in the fabric and plant through it. You will need to make large enough holes to accommodate your mature plants. I make an “X” in the fabric and tuck the loose pieces back under the rest of the fabric.

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Make sure you plant along the hose.

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You can see the pepper I planted is lined up with the soaker hose beneath the fabric.

Carefully mound a thick layer of mulch around the areas that are not planted. Plug your garden hose into the soaker hose and water when the beds gets dry (stick your finger into the exposed soil near the hose where you planted your seeds or seedlings and you should feel moisture. If you don’t: it’s time to water.)

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If you’d like to see what I’m doing with the milk jugs: this post “Shortcut Through The Hardening-Off Process” explains why I love them so much!!! Another use for milk jugs is in this post: “The Seed Collector’s Insanity (Tips And Tricks For Starting Your Seeds

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You will need to water often until your plants are established. After that, you can enjoy the water retention this type of bed offers!

You now have a water-wise planting bed that should survive any weather mother nature sends your way!

Get out there and plant something and enjoy your summer gardening!

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A How To: On Animals and Life

How to: Enjoy an indoor rabbit…

Hahaha. No. He stinks, will live up to 18 years, digs up the carpet in the corners and kicks out rabbit poo all over the floor from his cage.

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Red uses his ninja training to kick poo out all over the floor when night falls. Rabbits, like most rodents, are nocturnal.

Unfortunately, (for me anyway) it gets way too hot to cage a rabbit outdoors down here. (There are ways to do it, but it would take a lot of work.) He is a long term rodent investment!

How to: Own an Australian Shepherd and triumph over the hair…

Oh my God, no. My dog blows his coat every spring.

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This is my dog and his undercoat. There’s at least another dog his size worth of hair after this brushing. It’s not over at once, either. He will continue to shed heavily for weeks and then go back to medium shedding (like most dogs do in the spring) for the remainder of the year. His shedding is insane and never ending!!!!

Huge chunks of rabbit fine undercoat dropping off onto the carpet. Daily vacuuming cannot compete with these random blobs of dog hair. My dog is the ultimate champ in all shedding events! In case you wondered: Australian Shepherds are an American based breed. I have no idea why he isn’t called an American shepherd. Probably just didn’t sound as cool!

How to: Keep a cat out of your pots, flower beds and vegetable garden…

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Urg. My attempts have included laying chicken wire across the beds, plastic netting and high fences: he still manages to get into and poop on everything. Cat poop is like the nuclear waste of animal dung. Toxic, nasty, yuck that will last long after anything natural should! That stuff is deadly to my plants and it does not compost (even though he chooses to bury it.)

My animals each have their issues. So do my human friends. But they all have reasons to ignore the drawbacks:

In defense of the rabbit:
Our rabbit “Red” is a snuggle bunny. He was a gift to my kids for surviving a tough move, away from family, down to Texas. My then 5 year old thought naming a black and white rabbit “Red” was hilarious. I agree! I don’t have any babies in the house anymore. My boys are getting bigger. I still get kid snuggles, but our bunny is about the same size my boys were when they were born.

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Red getting some snuggles!

Our rabbit makes a great stand in for a mommy and a daddy who are nostalgic about the days when we had infants at home!

In defense of the dog:
My dog is incredibly smart. Like: “Are you sure you aren’t just a really hairy five year old kid?” smart. I got him on the first anniversary of 9-11. He has a patriotic registered name but we call him “Christmas”. I think I chose that nickname because Christmas is a holiday full of love, forgiveness and promise. Just what I needed on an anniversary of a horrible, emptyhearted tragedy that was created by a few bent souls.

He is great with my kids. He has endless love and forgiveness. He is great entertainment with his goofy quirks (He does flips, can out fetch anyone’s desire to continue to throw a ball for him and he actually kicks balls with his front feet. Dog soccer is awesome!) Plus, he was my family before I met my husband. I love my dog completely!

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In defense of the cat:

My cat is an antique. I rescued him as a kitten. He was up a tree at my mom’s. She was out of town at the time but offered this advice when I called her asking if I should rescue the kitten: “Leave him alone. He’ll come down. You never see cat bones up in a tree.” After three days I got out the ladder and brought him down. That’s when I noticed he had a puncture wound on his stomach (most likely from a coyote trying to eat him. That would make me stay up in a tree indefinitely, too!)

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He was scared, dehydrated and feral but he recognized I was trying to help him and he’s been a great buddy ever since. If I’d left him, I think he might have become the first set of cat bones in a tree!

His name is “Newman”. He was named after the Seinfeld character when that show was popular. He’s that old! 20+ years and counting. The dogs and other cats we had at the time are long gone, but Newman keeps plugging along! He was a barn cat that defied the odds. He is super friendly and one of those rare “great cats”. I’ve only owned a couple of those in my life.
Every relationship has troubles, even ones that are forged between species. But most long term love affairs happen because they have earned the right to happen. They are made through mutual respect, love and interdependence.

I love the relationships I have with my animals. They have helped me understand that my human connections are just as rewarding (and as challenging) because “perfect” doesn’t really exist. It’s not supposed to. Love is complex but it’s definitely worth the hassles and learning experiences that imperfections bring! Learning to love means dropping expectations and opening up to a direction you don’t control. Forgiveness is a habit. Respect is not optional. Control is not compatible. (And I take that stance: in defense of me.)

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Here’s to enjoying the imperfections and gifts that love and life bring our way!

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